Everyone Goes Nuts AKA Down With the Sets
by Tavia
Summary: Stella is BACK! Soon she, Harry, and, of course, the Enterprise, are all gathered on Dedum again. Beyond that, there is no plot. Only madness. Kirk screams, sets fall, all sorts of strange happenings happen! Complete
1. Return to Dedum

Welcome, my pretties!  Welcome to Tavia's Realm of Madness!  Hold onto your seats, folks, it'll be a wild ride, I assure you.

Disclaimer: I am much too wacky to own Star Trek.  If I did…ooh, the things that would happen…ahem, I digress.  Paramount, who is probably saner than me, owns Star Trek.  But the following insanity is mine!  MINE!  Well…not entirely I suppose, some plot credit has to go to my friend Brian.  We came up with all this one day, I still don't know HOW we did it.  Possibly too much sugar.  I could just keep this disclaimer going forever, you know?  But I better stop.

Random note: Remember the sequel I promised at the end of Mask of Stella?  Well this…is not it.  Sorry, different story entirely.  That one might get written someday, but don't hold your breath.  Don't hold anything actually, you might get tired, heehee.

If you have read "The Mask of Stella" feel free to skip down.

If not, _bad_!  I forgive you.  Here is a brief summary of stuff you need to know to understand this one: Stella is more-or-less taken from the TV show.  In this version, she's divorced from Harry.  Also, and more importantly, she's hideously ugly, and wears a mask at all times to hide her hideousity.  In my last story, she met Kirk, and fell madly in love.  She terrifies him.  At the end of the story, she was left behind on Dedum, a very dull planet with a lot of natives who somehow got the idea Harry Mudd was a great god.  As for Harry, he was reigning on Dedum with a couple punk Klingons (Klingons who shaved their heads) to help, and at the end stowed away on the _Enterprise_ with the help of Unidentified Crewmember 1 (UC1).  Got all that?  Good!  Oh, and Gene, you have to know about Gene.  Well, he created Star Trek, and is always seen in silhouette to Stage Right.  And THAT'S everything.  

Let the games begin! 

Everyone Goes Nuts 

aka

Down with the Sets 

Introduction:

_Captain's Log: Stardate…I have lost track.  I am handwriting this Log Entry, because my recorder was damaged in the recent…chaos, along with most of the ship.  Make that all of the ship.  Being that as it may, I am still captain of the wreckage behind me, leader of the few crewmembers who have not succumbed to the madness, and as such am required to record the events of the past few days…_

Act I, Scene I ~~~ Three weeks after "The Mask of Stella" 

Narrator: Planet Dedum, a composite of a few buildings upon a dirty surface of dirt, and more dirt, but aside from the dirt, was the buildings, shoddy, run down, haphazardly built, but that was before _she_ arrived. Stella took over with the force of the flu, imposing her imperialistic ideas upon the poor hapless inhabitants of this dirty world.

[The setting: a collection of flimsy buildings, one imperial hall composed of cracked columns and walls with holes, with mortar missing. There is a large mound of dirt at the center of the "city."  On the mound is a flimsily built Victorian mansion, labeled "imperial palace."  The city has a poor section of town, which has terrible graffiti problems, yet many of these drawings are in fact the best in town.  In the main area of the city there are several statues of the latest art style, as prescribed by Stella: All are…peculiar renditions of Kirk.  Were he to see them, they would frighten him.  Inside the palace we find the hideous Stella Mudd, wearing a new mask (her old mask, as you may recall, was destroyed during 'The Mask of Stella').  Stella is seated on an elegant dais, awaiting her true love to come down in his fiery chariot of love to take her away into the night.  In other words, she's awaiting Kirk.  While waiting, she is controlling Dedum's government.  At the moment, she is supervising the construction of a giant statue that actually looks a lot like Kirk.]

[Stella is sitting on the dais while several natives cart in a giant, half-built statue of Kirk's head.  It is about three feet high, and three feet across.]

Native1: [bowing deeply] We have begun building The Captain's Head, your luminosity.  

[Stella studies the head carefully.]

Stella: [stamping her foot] No, no, no!  It's all wrong!

Native2: [baffled] But your brilliance, we very carefully studied pictures of The Captain so as to match them exactly.

Stella: [as though they are trying her patience] But where is the symbolism?  The _imagery_?  [dramatic] He should have eyes like the stars at night, hair as fiery as his love!  [shrewish] Do it over.  Do it all over!

Natives: [muttering] Yes, your greatness.

[The natives lug the statue outside the building, while Stella sits down on her elegant dais again.]

Native1: [muttering to other natives] Crazy, I tell you!  That woman is absolutely batty! Native3: Why do we put up with her? 

Native2: [reprimanding] For shame!  We 'put up' with her because she bears the name 'Mudd,' as did The Great God Harry Mudd who has departed from us these last few weeks, carrying the Sacred Silver Block with him.

Native1: [sadly] Yes, yes, that is so.

Native3: [ashamed] The Great God Harry Mudd has left us to fly to his home in the stars.  It is the least we can do to try and please him by honoring The Great Goddess Stella Mudd.

Native2: Very good.  Now let us work on adding symbolism to our statue.

Act I, Scene II 

[Meanwhile on the _Enterprise_, business is normal.  All the regular bridge crew are at their stations and Kirk is sitting in the command chair looking relaxed.  (He has used the last three weeks to receive intensive therapy and has been cured of his fear of Stella.)  McCoy is also present, using one of the consoles at the back of the bridge. Things are quiet for a few minutes, then Uhura's console beeps.]

Uhura: Captain, incoming message.

Kirk: Put it on the main screen.

Uhura: It's audio only, sir.

Kirk: Well, play it then.

[There is a crackling of static, and then a message comes through.]

Message: [desperate] Captain…you must come immediately.  We are in deep distress…only you can help us…please come— [message ends abruptly]

Kirk: [thoughtful] Very interesting.  Where is the message's point of origin?

Uhura: The planet Dedum.

[Kirk freezes, and looks extremely nervous.  McCoy walks over to the command chair.]

McCoy: [in a low voice] Now, Jim, you've got to get a grip on yourself.  Remember, you've been completely cured of your stellaphobia.  There's absolutely no reason to become upset.

Kirk: [lets out a deep breath] I guess…yes…yes, you're right, Bones.  Stella… [swallows hard] holds no terror for me.  And someone on Dedum is clearly in deep distress.  We must go to their rescue at once!  Mr. Sulu, plot a course.

Sulu: Course plotted, sir.

Kirk: Go to…warp factor one.

[McCoy pokes him in the shoulder.]

Kirk: [sighs] Make that warp factor five.

Sulu: Aye, sir.

Kirk: And so, we are departing on another mission, another journey.  And in doing so, we are taking another risk.  But risks are our business!  When man first looked at the stars—

McCoy: Jim, don't.

Kirk: [puzzled] Don't what, Bones?

McCoy: Just don't.

Act I, Scene III 

Narrator: Two days have passed, and the _Enterprise_ has come into orbit around Dedum.  Kirk, Spock, McCoy and two crewmembers in red shirts are in the transporter room preparing to beam down.  Kirk has been continuing his therapy these last two days, and is feeling confident.  The real action right now, though, is in the shuttlebay.

[UC1 enters the shuttlebay, carrying a tray of food.  He walks over to the shuttlecraft, and knocks on the door.]

UC1: Mr. Mudd, are you in there? 

[The shuttle door opens and Harry Mudd steps out.]

Harry: Of course I'm here.  I've been hiding out here for the last three weeks, ever since I bribed you into letting me come aboard.  

UC1: [frowns] But Mr. Mudd, you told _me_ to bribe _you_ into coming aboard.

Harry: Oh yes, that's right.  [charming] And I want to thank you for that.  You don't know what it meant to me to get off that boring planet, Dedum.  [shakes head sadly]  No money, no jewels, no dancing girls…

UC1: Um, right.  I brought you some lunch.  [hands Harry the tray of food]

Harry: Oh yes.  Thank you. [starts eating] Have you got any news for me?

UC1: Oh yeah, I forgot.  We came into orbit around a planet today.

Harry: [eyes light up] In orbit?  Around a planet?

UC1: Yeah, we just arrived an hour ago.  The Captain and a party should be beaming down soon.

Harry: [drops tray] This is my opportunity!  I can finally get out of here!  It's about time, too.  Kirk was liable to discover me any day now.  I've _got_ to be in that landing party!

UC1: Um, but Mr. Mudd—

Harry: [rooting through boxes] Not now, lad, I've got to find a disguise!

UC1: [insistent] But Mr. Mudd, you don't want—

[Harry pulls a potted cactus out of a box.]

Harry: A cactus!  [frowns] Hmm.  Well, this'll just have to do.  [to UC1] So long, lad, I'm off to beam down.  Thanks for all your help!

[Harry runs out of the shuttlebay, carrying the cactus.]

UC1: [calling after him] But Mr. Mudd, you don't understand… [shrugs] Oh well.

Act I, Scene IV 

[In the transporter room, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are talking to Scotty, who is behind the controls.  The red-shirts are talking to each other.  The doors to the transporter room open, and Harry Mudd crawls in, cleverly disguised as a cactus.  That is, he is holding the cactus in front of him, and he is plainly visible behind it.  He creeps over and positions himself on one of the back transporter pads.  No one notices him.  After another minute or so they decide it's time to beam down.  Kirk turns to the transporter pads.]

Kirk: [pointing to Harry] Look!  There on the transporter pad!

[Everyone turns to look.  Harry looks worried.]

Kirk: A cactus!  In a pot!

[Harry breathes a sigh of relief.]

Scotty: [perplexed] Well, now, I wonder how that got there.

Kirk: Let's beam it down with us.  It'll make a nice present for the natives.

[Everyone walks over and stands on the transporter pads.]

Kirk: And so, we embark.  It is risky, beaming down to Dedum, but it is a risk we must take.  And risks are our business.  When man first looked at the stars—

[Scotty beams everyone, including Harry and the cactus, down to the planet.]

Act I, Scene V 

[In the capital city, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, the red-shirts and the cactus beam in.  They look around distastefully.]

Kirk: I didn't think it was possible, but this place is even uglier than before.

Spock: Captain, I would expect that large building [gestures to the flimsy Victorian mansion] would be where we'd locate the seat of the government.  Perhaps that would be the best place to start.

Kirk: Yes, that makes sense.

[The group heads for the mansion.  Harry, not sure what else to do, follows from behind his cactus.  He's starting to have a bad feeling about this planet.  As they get closer to the mansion, they notice the Kirk-statues.  They recoil in horror.  Kirk fails to see his likeness in their grotesque forms.]

Kirk: [disgusted] What awful…_hideous_…

McCoy: [equally disgusted] Is that supposed to be _art_?

Spock: Most unusual.

[Harry also seems horrified, and cowers behind his cactus.  The red shirts look frightened.]

Kirk: [with revulsion] Definitely the ugliest statues I've ever seen 

[From inside the mansion, a woman starts singing.  We will not describe the singing because, first, it is indescribable, and second, it is too horrible for the general public (and would prevent this story from having a G-rating).  Kirk and McCoy cringe in agony at the sound.  Spock calmly places his hands over his ears.  Harry, in his horror, stabs himself with the cactus needles.  The two red-shirts spontaneously combust and disappear in a cloud of smoke.  After many long, torturous moments, the singing finally stops.]

Kirk: [worn out from the horror] Oh…my… McCoy: [dazed] Now we know why they wanted help… 

[The woman singing chances to look out a window and see the figures below.  She recognizes Kirk immediately.]

Woman: [delighted] My little kumquat, you've come! 

[The woman, of course, is Stella.  She comes running out of the palace wearing a wedding dress and charges at Kirk.]

Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaaaaaahhhh!

McCoy: [murmuring] Something tells me he's had a relapse of his stellaphobia.

[Harry sees Stella and runs.  Frantically.  Dropping his cactus.]

Spock: [looking at Harry's fleeing form] Interesting.  Harry Mudd somehow beamed down cleverly disguised as a cactus.

[Stella is chasing Kirk in circles around the courtyard.]

Stella: [shrilly] Don't fight it, Pumpkin!  It's bigger than both of us!

Kirk: [howling into his closed communicator] Beam up!  Beam up!

McCoy: [urgent] Jim!  _Open_ your communicator!

[Kirk is too terrified to take notice.  He continues howling at his closed communicator.]

Kirk: _Beam up_!  PLEASE!

[The train of Stella's dress catches on one of the Kirk-statues.  She pauses to yank it free.  Kirk meanwhile is frantically clawing at the base of a nearby pillar, desperately trying to climb up it and escape.  McCoy is looking upset, but is unsure of what to do to help.  Spock calmly takes out his communicator and opens it.]

Spock: Spock to _Enterprise_.

Scotty: [over communicator] Scott here.

Spock: Please lock onto our communicator signals and beam us up, Mr. Scott.  We've run into some trouble.

Scotty: Aye, Mr. Spock.  One moment.

[Stella rips the train of her dress so that she is free from the statue.  She runs at Kirk.]

Stella: Baby-waby!

Kirk: [cowers at base of pillar] Aaaaaahhhh!

[Stella dives at Kirk just as he, Spock, and McCoy beam out.  Stella hits her head on the pillar.]

Stella: [dazed] Ow.

Narrator: Hardly what one would call an auspicious beginning for our heroes!  But believe me, this is ONLY the beginning!  Don't miss the next exciting segment of…Everyone Goes Nuts!

This _is_ just the beginning…and once you have entered the Mad Realm, you do not leave…Nyahahahahahah!

Crazy?  Nope, not me, certainly not crazy…

Review, or…I'll send Stella after you!


	2. Possibly Facing One's Fear

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, if I owned Star Trek would I be posting wacky stories online?  Well, possibly.  But I'd also be making them into movies.  So if Star Trek XI winds up being about the original characters fleeing from Stella, you'll know I have ownership of Star Trek.  Until that lovely day: Paramount.  It belongs to Paramount.

Lt. Vulcan: You didn't like where I stopped?  Gee, and I thought I was picking a fairly good spot, everybody beams out, no one in dire peril…not a cliffhanger at all, especially compared to—ahem, never mind, ignore me.

Emp: Actually, the red-shirts just _might_ get a little glory…all in good time, all in good time!

Rihannsu: I LOVE sending people into hysterics…heehee.  It gets wilder, I assure you.

Keridwen: Pixie stix…I don't think I have any readily-available pixie stix…chocolate is good though, chocolate is veeeery good…

Trekker-T: I'm mean to Kirk, aren't I?  Oh well, he's a big boy, he'll survive.  Thank you, I thought this one was pretty funny too.  (no ego here, nope, none, nada)

And here we go.  Once again, hang onto your seats!

Act I, Scene VI

[On the bridge of the _Enterprise_: Kirk is sitting in his command chair, gripping the armrests much too tightly.  He is controlled, but only just.  Spock and McCoy are talking to him, while the rest of the bridge crew tries to ignore their Captain's terror.]

McCoy: [soothing] Look back on your therapy.  Stella is nothing to be frightened of.

Spock: It is illogical for you to a fear a single woman.

Kirk: [moans] _Single_.  She doesn't plan on _staying_ single, not if she could catch me…

McCoy: Now, Jim.  Deep breaths.  You can overcome this irrational fear you have.

Kirk: [despairing] How?

McCoy: Well…one of the best ways to overcome a fear is to face it head on.

Kirk: [alarmed] Face Stella?  [shakes head and sinks farther into his chair] No.  Never.

McCoy: [insistent] But if you're going to overcome your fear, you've _got_ to face her!

Kirk: Then I'll just be afraid, thanks.

McCoy: [annoyed] Oh that's great!  Fine then!  Just spend the rest of your life hiding under furniture every time Stella's name comes up!

Kirk: [offended] I do not hide under furniture.

McCoy: Oh, yes you do!

Kirk: I do?

McCoy: Many times.

Kirk: Well…

Spock: The logical thing to do is to locate the best way to overcome your fear and thereby free yourself of it.  Therefore, you must face Stella.

McCoy: And the sooner the better.  It'll only get harder as time goes on.

Spock: And we still have not completed our mission here.

Kirk: [blankly] Mission?

Spock: The distress call.  The one that said only you could help them.

Kirk: Oh yeah.  [starting to look more confident] They did say only me, didn't they?

McCoy: [encouraging] Yes, Jim.  Only you.

Kirk: Well maybe I… [uncertain] I don't know though…I don't think I'm ready.

McCoy: [winking at Spock; to Kirk] Well, that's just the risk you take.

[Spock looks oblivious for a moment.  McCoy kicks him.]

Spock: [comprehension dawning] Oh…yes…And risks…are our business.

McCoy: After all, when man first looked at the stars—

Kirk: [stands up abruptly] You're right.  [confident] It's just another risk!  To the transporter room!

[They exit.]

Act I, Scene VII

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam in front of Stella's mansion.  Kirk looks nervous, but controlled.]

Kirk: [muttering] Face my fear.  I just have to _face_ my fear…

McCoy: [encouraging] That's right, Jim.

[The trio starts walking towards the mansion.  Stella sees them coming and comes running out.]

Stella: [cooing at Kirk] My treacle tart!  You came back!

Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaaahhhh!  [pulls out communicator; frantic] Scotty!  Beam me up!

[Kirk transports out, leaving Spock and McCoy to face the oncoming Stella.]

Stella: [to nearby guards] Grab him! [points to McCoy]

[Before Spock or McCoy can react, the guards grab McCoy and toss his phaser to Stella, who turns it on Spock.]

Stella: [smiling evilly; to Spock] Well, things are a little different now, aren't they?  I have a hostage.

McCoy: [scared] Oh, great.  I think _I'm_ developing stellaphobia.

Spock: [calmly] What do you intend to do?

Stella: Tell my little honeybee—

Spock: [politely] Who?

Stella: [angry] _Captain Kirk_!

Spock: Ah.

Stella: Tell him that if he does not come down to marry me this evening, I will…I will marry _him_!  [points to McCoy]

[McCoy succumbs to one of the effects of stellaphobia, and faints.]

Spock: [calmly] I see.  I will inform the Captain.

Stella: See that you do.

Spock: [opens communicator] Spock to _Enterprise_.  One to beam up.

[Spock beams up.  Stella goes back inside the mansion, the guards carrying the unconscious McCoy.]

Act I, Scene VIII

[Kirk is hiding in his quarters.  After much searching, Spock finally locates him, to tell him Stella's demands.]

Spock: Stella says that if you do not beam down this evening and marry her, she will marry Dr. McCoy instead.

[Kirk, hiding underneath his bed, does not answer.]

Spock: [seriously] Incidentally, were you aware that you are Stella's "little honeybee?"

[Kirk shudders.]

Kirk: I can't marry her, Spock!  _I can't_!

Spock: [solemn] Then Dr. McCoy will have to.

[Kirk moans, and comes out from under his bed.  He sits on the edge of his bed.]

Kirk: [despairing] Oh, what am I going to do?  I can't let her marry Bones, but _I can't marry her_!  

[Everyone freezes.]

Narrator: Before we continue, we'd like to say that we don't condone suicide.

Gene: [exasperated] Why?  _Why_ do you have to do things like this?

Narrator: We'll continue now.

Kirk: [sighs] Why can't I take the easy way out and just kill myself?

Spock: [thoughtful] That may be a valid idea.

Act I, Scene IX

[In the capital city, it is early evening.  In the mansion, Stella has McCoy tied to a large marble pillar.  On a nearby pillar, Harry Mudd is tied.  He is unconscious at first, but awakes after a few moments.  In the upper corner of the room, a large blue fish is floating unnoticed.]

Harry: [looking around in a daze] What happened?  Where am I?

McCoy: Stella found you hiding in the abandoned house on the hill behind the mansion.  She tried to capture you, you fainted, and she brought you here.

Harry: Oh yeah.  Now I remember.  Just my luck I'd wind up back on Dedum.  [sighs] I faint a lot around Stella.  It's one of my symptoms.

McCoy: [interested] Oh, do you have stellaphobia too?

Harry: [rolls eyes] Are you kidding?  I was one of the first people to ever have stellaphobia.

McCoy: [frowns] Then why'd you marry her?

Harry: I didn't exactly plan on it, if you know what I mean.

McCoy: [understanding] Ah.

[Stella enters, dressed in a flowing white wedding dress.  Both Harry and McCoy look nervous.]

Stella: No sign of my little banana peel yet. 

Harry: [mystified] Her little _what_?

McCoy: I think she means Jim.

Harry: _Oh_.

Stella: [smiles sweetly] I suppose I'll just have to marry one of you two gentlemen.

Harry: [moans] Oh no.  Not again!

McCoy: [muttering to himself] Do not faint.  Do _not_ faint.

[Native4 enters the room.]

Native4: Your gloriousness, a craft has been sighted approaching the palace.

[Everyone looks out the window.  A shuttlecraft is visible hurtling through the night.]

Stella: [in raptures] Hark!  My peach blossom comes in—

McCoy and Harry: —his fiery chariot of love.  We know. 

McCoy: [frowns] Funny, I didn't think Jim would have found the courage to come.

Harry: [concerned] Um, isn't that shuttle coming in a little fast?

[It is.  The shuttle is hurtling straight for the palace, with no signs of slowing down.  Stella and Native4 run.  Harry and McCoy brace themselves.  The shuttle plows straight into the palace.  Debris kick up everywhere.  It is several minutes before the dust settles.]

McCoy: [crawling out from under some debris; dazed but basically unhurt] Ouch.

[He sees the wreck of the shuttle.  Stella is standing by it clutching a yellow shirt with a large rip in it.]

Stella: [horrified] Alas!  My beloved was too exuberant!  In his haste he miscalculated and now he's _dead_!  Oh, alas, _alas_!

[McCoy watches, frowning.  Harry pokes his head out from under a pillar and sees also.]

McCoy: Well, he _definitely_ didn't crash in his rush to get here.

Harry: Do you think he _meant_ to crash though?  Rather than get here?

McCoy: I don't know.  He might, but Spock wouldn't let him.  [frowns] I don't think he would anyway…

[Curtain drops on Act I.]

Narrator: Oh horrors!  What fate is in store for our characters now?  Is Kirk really dead?  Will Spock be court-martialed for allowing his senior officer to commit suicide? Will McCoy marry Stella?  Will Harry marry Stella?  Will one of the red-shirts be called in to marry Stella?  Whatever else you do, do NOT miss the next exciting installment!

Yes, I know.  I'm devil's spawn.


	3. Almost a Wedding

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Star Trek.  Of course I don't own Star Trek.  Why would _I_ own Star Trek?  Paramount owns Star Trek, direct all complaints to them.  I'll handle anything positive you wish to say.

Emp: McCoy lose his hair…well, I wasn't planning it, could be open to revision though…he's having a pretty rough time of it anyway, y'know.  Or will know if you keep reading…

Trekker-T: Funny, I could have SWORN I explained this somewhere.  Perhaps not.  See, it's like this: Anything canon, Harry and Stella are still married.  In my little world of madness though, they ARE divorced, which means Stella is perfectly free to marry anyone.  Although I wouldn't put bigamy past her.

Rihannsu: [nods wisely] Ah yes.  Composure missing, presumed dead.  My friend Meaghan's sanity has been missing for years (her words, not mine).  : )  It makes things amusing, don't y'think?

And here we are.  The answer to the mystery regarding the death of Kirk.  And a whole LOT of other crazy things.  I seriously advise you to hang onto your chair…Enjoy!

Act II, Scene I

[Kirk is sitting on the bridge, looking scared but controlled.  He is talking to Spock.]

Kirk: Brilliant plan, Spock, _brilliant_.  Putting a dummy dressed as me in a shuttle and setting it to crash into the palace.  Brilliant.  Now she thinks I'm dead, and we have no more worries!

Spock: Actually, Captain, we do have a 'few worries.'  First, Starfleet Command will no doubt be upset that we crashed a shuttle.

Kirk: [dismissive] They're light years away.  And crashing shuttles is nothing compared to some of the stuff we've gotten into.

Spock: Then we have just one problem.  Stella still has Dr. McCoy.

Kirk: [depressed] Oh yeah.  Now what?

Spock: Now we beam down and rescue him while Stella is distracted.

Kirk: [panicked] Beam down?  I can't!  Go without me, I'll just freak out and run around screaming!

Spock: That is actually quite logical.  You probably would hinder the plan.

Kirk: [quickly agreeing] Definitely.  Undoubtedly.  Go without me.  I'll handle everything up here.

Spock: Very well.

[Spock exits.  Various Unidentified Crewmembers who happen to be on the bridge shoot Kirk angry looks.  He doesn't notice.]

Act II, Scene II

[A short time before, on the planet: Stella has recovered from her momentary anguish, and decides to continue with her wedding.  Stella is standing amid the wreckage of the palace, looking at McCoy and Harry, who look like they want nothing more in the galaxy than to flee.  The blue fish is still floating near what used to be the ceiling, for some reason completely unaffected by the falling debris.]

Stella: [studying Harry and McCoy] Let me see…which of you should I marry?  I just can't decide…

[McCoy and Harry look terrified.]

Stella: [claps hands] Oh, I know how to choose!  Eeny-meeny-miny-moe, catch a tiger by the toe, if it hollers let it go, eeny-meeny-miny-moe!  [she winds up pointing to Harry]  Looks like I'm marrying you again, Harry!

[Harry cringes, while McCoy looks relieved.  At the news that he doesn't have to marry Stella, he's made a rapid and full recovery from his stellaphobia.]

Stella: [briskly] Now, I wanted to marry my darling kumquat, but since I can't, I'm going to do the next best thing.  [to Harry] I want you to wear one of my Kirk-heads.

Harry: [flabbergasted] Your…your _what_?

Stella: [impatient] My Kirk-heads!  

[Harry still looks confused, while McCoy looks intrigued.]

Stella: [exasperated] I've been having the natives build statues of my sweet baboo!

Harry: [muttering to McCoy] Her sweet what?

McCoy: [muttering back] I'm not sure, but I think she called Jim a sweet baboon.

Harry: Oh.  [realizes what else Stella said; shocked] You want me to wear a statue head?!

Stella: Of course.  And not just any statue head!

[Stella claps her hands twice.  Three natives come in, carrying a giant head.  It is the head from the first scene, now complete, with…_symbolism_ added.]

Stella: I want you to wear this head!

Harry: [dumbstruck] I'm supposed to…wear _that_?

McCoy: [pointing at head] That's…that's _Jim_?  [starts laughing uproariously]

[The head no longer looks anything like Kirk.  The natives have added symbolism, and the head now has starry black eyes, and fiery red hair.  All in all, it's about as ugly as Stella.]

Stella: [stamps on McCoy's foot] Don't laugh at my Kirk-head!

McCoy: [hopping on one foot] Ow!

[Stella directs the natives in lowering the giant Kirk-head (which is fortunately hollow) onto Harry's head.  Harry staggers around, with the giant head, badly off balance.]

McCoy: [concerned] Hey Harry, you all right in there?

Harry: [echoing] Oh, yeah, fine.  Just fine.  I can't see, my shoulders hurt, I'm having trouble breathing, and any second now I'm going to…to…

[Harry teeters for a moment, then falls with a crash.]

Harry: [dazed] What happened?  Am I standing?

McCoy: No.

Harry: Oh.  I didn't think so.

Stella: Stand him up.  [The natives do.]  It's time for the wedding.  [to McCoy] You may be the best man.

McCoy: Lucky me.

[A native band strikes up a wedding march.]

Stella: Oh, wait!  I forgot about my bridesmaid!  Well, one of you can go get—

[Stella stops speaking, as she notices a starry pillar: someone beaming in.  The pillar solidifies into Spock.]

McCoy: [relieved] I never thought I'd say it, but it's great to see you, Spock.

Spock: Indeed.  [steps over next to McCoy; into communicator] Spock to _Enterprise_, two to beam up.

[They beam out before Stella can prevent it.  She shrieks in fury.]

Stella: [angry] Well!  How do you like that!  Running out on my wedding! At least I still have…Harcourt!

[Harry has been trying to tiptoe away, still in the giant Kirk-head.]

Stella: [angry] You get back here!  You tried to sneak out at our first wedding, and it won't work this time either!

Harry: [sighs in resignation] Fine.  You've got me.  Go ahead with the wedding then.  [dramatic] I've lived a good life.  All good things must end.  To every thing, there is a season.  A time to live and a time to—

Stella: Oh shut up, Harry.  This is no time to recite poetry.

Harry: [mutters] Like I said.  All good things…

Act II, Scene III ~~Revolt of the Red-shirts!!

[Kirk is walking down a corridor of the _Enterprise_.  He turns a corner and finds himself facing a crowd of a dozen or so red-shirts.]

Kirk: [to red-shirts in general] Oh, hello.

Red-shirt1: [cross] We're not very happy with you, Captain Kirk.

Red-shirt2: [angry] We're very displeased in fact!

Kirk: [confused] Oh?  Why?

Red-shirt1: We've had just about enough of this _terror_ you have for Stella.  You sent Commander Spock down alone because _you_ were afraid!

Kirk: [backing up] Uh, well…

Red-shirt3: You think we don't get nervous about beaming down?  For heaven's sake, we beam down in _red_!

Red-shirt2: But do we stay aboard just because we're scared?  No!  We have to beam down anyway!

Red-Shirt1: But the mighty Captain Kirk gets scared of some woman and hides out on the ship!

Kirk: This is mutinous talk!

Red-Shirt4: You bet it is, _Captain_!

Red-Shirt2: We've had enough!  We want you to beam down.

Kirk: I refuse.

Red-Shirt5: We expected you to say that.

[The red-shirts surge forward and bodily pick up Kirk.  They carry him prone over their heads and march down the corridor.]

Kirk: [furious] I order you to put me down immediately!  I order it!  _Put me down_!

[The red-shirts ignore him.  They carry him into the transporter room and throw him onto the transporter.]

Red-Shirt3: You will make an excellent sacrifice to Stella, to keep her from coming after us.  We've taken chances beaming down for you.  Now it's time you took some chances for us.

[The red-shirts beam Kirk out.]

Act II, Scene IV

[Back at Stella's mansion, the wedding is proceeding.  Stella never did remember tog et her bridesmaid, so the only ones present are Stella, Harry (still in the Kirk-head), and some natives.  Suddenly, Kirk beams in, laying on his back and looking dazed.]

Stella: [overjoyed] My sweet pineapple tree!  You're alive!

Kirk: [frantically scuttles backward] Aaaaaahhhh! [stands up and starts running]

[Stella chases after Kirk as he flees between two pillars.  The natives follow, and the blue fish winks out of sight.  Harry is left standing in the middle of the empty room, with the Kirk-head still on.]

Harry: [uncertain] Um, hello?  Anybody there?  What happened?

[Not hearing any answer, Harry, with a bit of difficulty, takes the Kirk head off.  He looks around.]

Harry: Stella?  Are you around?

[There is no answer of course.]

Harry: [overjoyed] YES!  Saved!  I am out of here!

[Harry runs out of the mansion.  Outside, he spots a native.]

Harry: Guess what?  I'm back!

Native5: [disinterested] And who are you?

Harry: The Great God Harry Mudd, of course.

Native5: [shakes head] You lie.  The Great God Harry Mudd has gone to join his friends among the stars.

Harry: Well I did, but now I've come back.

Native5: [sternly] Do not blaspheme!  

Harry: But I…oh, never mind.

[Harry walks farther along the street.]

Harry: [muttering] Never liked it here anyway.

[Harry glances up and notices his old ceramic palace, where he used to reign.  There are two punk Klingons standing guard outside the door to the palace.  Harry rushes up to them.]

Harry: Lodar!  Kothak!  How've you been?

Lodar: Hello, Mr. Mudd.  We're working for Stella now.

Harry: Oh.  [deeply sympathetic] I'm so sorry.

Kothak: [with feeling] So are we.  [shrugs] But she's the only person on this planet who pays in anything besides pottery.

Harry: [eyes lit up] Not now that I'm back!  How'd you like your old jobs back?  A couple Klingons could be useful.

[Kothak and Lodar look at each other.]

Kothak: Well…

Harry: I'll pay you well.

Lodar: Deal.  We're not doing anything interesting here anyhow.

Harry: Er, what are you doing here?

Kothak: Guarding Ooga-ooga.

Harry: [shocked] You're what?

Lodar: Guarding Ooga-ooga, Stella's monster bridesmaid.

Kothak: She wanted to make sure she was prettier then her bridesmaid, so she got a giant, four-legged green monster as her bridesmaid.

Harry: [taken aback] Oh.  Speaking of Stella, we better go before she notices I'm gone.

Lodar: Sure, Mr. Mudd.  We can probably escape through the Dedum forest.

Harry: Sounds good.

[They head for the forest.]

Narrator: What could be in store next?!  You will never guess where the forest leads!  Stay tuned!

Do stay tuned.  So far, I've been halfway rational…that will be changing next chapter.  Sets will start falling for one thing…BWAHAHAHAHAH!

Ahem, don't mind the crazy lady, just leave a review as you go out the door…


	4. There Go the Sets

Disclaimer: Me?  Own Star Trek?  Nope!

Rihannsu (or rather, Hobgoblin): Thanks, I thought the baboon was rather inspired myself. ^_^ 

Emp: A little glory, but not too much.  It might turn their heads.  

Meredith: Now, now, I never kill reviewers!  People with evil cliffhangers are another matter entirely…(HINT to certain people who know who they are…)

And here we go, more totally wacko insanity.  Sorry it took so long, but here it finally is.  (And you may not have been mystified by Kirk's death, but I have a strong suspicion you won't guess what's on the other side of Dedum's forest…heeheehee…) 

Act II, Scene V

[Kirk has succeeded in escaping Stella for the moment.  He flees to the poorer section of town.  He calms down somewhat, and wanders through the town.  He is stopped by one of the natives.]

Native6: Are you The Captain?

Kirk: Uh, yeah.  I guess so.

Native6: Then you received our message!

Kirk: You sent me a message?

Native6: [nodding vigorously] Oh yes.  Not me personally, but the MTGHBGHMAAFU movement.

Kirk: [bewildered] The…the what movement?

Native6: The MTGHBGHMAAFU movement.  The 'Make The Goddess Happy By Getting Her Married And Away From Us' movement.  You see, it is very difficult for us with her as ruler, but we are obligated to try to make her happy, because she bears the name Mudd.  So we sent for you to come and marry her so she will be happy and go away and leave us alone.

Kirk: Oh. [dubious]  Makes perfect sense.

Native6: Yes.  Have you married her yet?

Kirk: Uh…no.  But I'm working on it.

Native6: Please be quick.  We are anxious for her to go.

Kirk: I'll…try.

[Kirk and the native part ways, and Kirk wanders farther into the poor section of town.  All of the buildings are covered in large murals.  Kirk pauses in front of one particular building.  This was one was painted by rebellious artists who objected to Stella's insistences on 'symbolism.'  As protest, they have painted this entire building with pictures of Kirk that actually look like Kirk.  Kirk is suitably impressed.]

Kirk: [awed] What a beautiful building!

[Kirk sits down in front of the building to bask in the glory.]

Act II, Scene VI

[Meanwhile, Harry, Lodar, and Kothak emerge at the other end of the forest.  They find themselves in a rural farm area, near a large white farmhouse.  This is not where they expected to be.]

Narrator: Harry and the Punk Klingons have emerged from the forest to find themselves in…Iowa.  Yes, Iowa.  Specifically, Riverside, Iowa.  More specifically, Kirk's mother's house.

Harry: [bewildered] But we were on _Dedum_!  How can we be in _Iowa_?!

Narrator: Very simple.  The sets are connected.

Gene: [furious] You can't say things like that!  You were supposed to say it was a planetary wormhole!

Narrator: [earnest] But Gene, don't you think our viewers deserve to know the truth, the reali—

Gene:  [to Narrator] Oh, just forget it!  [to Harry] Listen, Harry, go back to Dedum.

Harry: Are you kidding?  Stella's on Dedum.  I'd rather stay in Iowa.  Besides, I'd kind of like to meet Kirk's mother.

Gene: [urgent] No, really, go _back_ in the forest!

[Harry, Lodar and Kothak walk up to the farmhouse.  Harry knocks on the door.  After a moment the door opens to reveal…Uhura.]

Harry: [surprised] Uhura!  What are you doing in Iowa?

Uhura: Well, I'm…Captain Kirk's mother.

[They stare at her.]

Uhura: [embarrassed] Well, not really, but the actress who usually plays her has a cold and called in sick.  And they didn't need me on the bridge, so I'm subbing.

Gene: [groans] I _told_ him to go back into the forest.

Harry: Mind if we look around the place a little, uh, 'Mrs. Kirk?'

Uhura: No, go ahead.

[Harry and the punk Klingons wander out behind the house.  They notice Kirk's boyhood tree house, and walk towards it.]

Gene: No, Harry, don't go in the tree house.

Harry: It looks interesting.

[Harry, Lodar, and Kothak climb up into the tree house.  Meanwhile, the Narrator has slipped around behind the set and is standing by Gene.]

Narrator: [whispers] Why shouldn't they go into the tree house anyway?

Gene: Because we used it in last month's show as—

Harry: [from inside the tree house; surprised] Hey!  There's a control panel in here!

Gene: [alarmed] No, don't touch the control—

[The tree house starts to vibrate.  Suddenly it rises up into the air and takes the tree with it.]

Gene: [holding his head] He shouldn't go in there because last month we used part of it as an alien vessel and it still has—

Harry: This thing's got warp engines!

Gene: [urgent] Harry, land the tree house!

Harry: [sticks head out window] Not a chance.  If I stay in Iowa, Stella can come through the forest and find me.  But if I fly somewhere else, I'll be safe!

Gene: [angry] I absolutely forbid it!

Harry: Tough!

[The tree house (and tree) rise up into the sky.  Before they get very far though, they hit something with a resounding crash and come falling back to the ground.]

Harry: [dazed] What happened?

Gene: [quickly] Atmospheric disturbance.

Narrator: Actually, you hit the roof of the warehouse where we keep the Iowa set.

Gene: [furious] You weren't supposed to say that!

Harry: [thinking] Well…if we fly low we ought to be fine then.

[The tree house takes off again, and flies into the distance over the farmland.  The Narrator waves good-bye.]

Gene: [moans] This show is not going very well.

Narrator: [comforting] Maybe the next scene will go better.

Harry: [from the distant tree house; to the punk Klingons] Uh, are you sure we know how to steer this thing?

Gene: [depressed] I really doubt it very much.

Narrator: [perplexed] Doubt that the next scene will go better or doubt that they know what they're doing?

Gene: [bitter] Both!

Act II, Scene VII

[Kirk is standing by what used to be the building with the Kirk-murals.  Where the building was, there is now a tall stack of flat wall segments, carefully cut apart to preserve the paintings.  (It was an extremely flimsy building to begin with.  A shack, really.)]

Kirk: [looking at the stack] There!  I must return to my ship.  But I can't bear to leave such beauty behind.  So now that I've dismantled the building I can take it with me!

[With quite a large amount of effort that for some unaccountable reason causes his shirt to rip, Kirk successfully lifts all the walls onto his back.  He trudges off, bent over double with the walls balanced on top of him.  He starts to walk back towards the nicer section of town.  He ends up right in front of the Victorian mansion without realizing it, because he can't see very well with the walls on his back.  Stella, however, spots him immediately.]

Stella: [overjoyed] Sweetie Poo!

Kirk: [terrified] Aaaaahhhh!

[Kirk flees, scattering murals in every direction.  Stella chases after him.]

Stella: Wait, baby cakes!

[Kirk, frantically trying to escape, pulls his tricorder out.]

Kirk: [shrieking at tricorder] Kirk to _Enterprise_!  Emergency beam up!

Stella: Come back, doll baby!

Kirk: [discarding tricorder and grabbing his phaser] Beam up!  Beam up!

Stella: Love bug!

[Kirk, still fleeing, finally locates his communicator, and opens it.]

Kirk: [desperately] Kirk to _Enterprise_!  Beam me up, Scotty!

Scotty: [over communicator] Aye, Captain.  Right away.

[Kirk stops running and stares at his communicator, genuinely surprised to have received an answer.  Stella takes advantage of his pause and tackles him around the legs.]

Kirk: Aaaaaaahhh!

Stella: Now I have you, poopsie!

[Kirk vanishes in the transporter beam, leaving Stella behind.]

Stella: Curses!  Foiled again!

[In the distance a flying tree and tree house can be seen.  They fly closer and come into the city.  They are flying very erratically.  They nearly hit a floating blue fish, but somehow it seems unaffected. They do bang into Stella's palace, though, demolishing what little was left of it.]

Harry: [from the tree house; mildly] Oops.

Lodar: [also in tree house] I think you hit the wrong button, Mr. Mudd.

Harry: It does look that way.  Especially since… [panicked] Oh no!  We're in Dedum again!  [muttering] Now which of these buttons…

[The tree house goes careening across the landscape, hitting several buildings.  Stella is standing amid the wreckage of her palace, shrieking.]

Stella: [shrieking] Harcourt Fenton Mudd, I'll get you for this!  Mark my words _I'll get you_!  How dare you—

[The tree house swings back over and knocks the one remaining wall down.]

Harry: Whoops.  Guess that wasn't the right button either.

Stella: [infuriated] Yaaaaaaagh!

[Still floating along, the blue fish is laughing uproariously as the tree house goes careening across the landscape.]

[Curtain drops on Act II.]

So there went the sets.  The first few anyway.  Mwahahahahahah.  I calculate another two chapters to go.  Brace for further insanity.  : )


	5. Crash!

Disclaimer: Star Trek is…NOT mine!  Such a pity too.  It would be a funnier Star Trek today if it _was_ mine…

Silverfang: Insanity.  Couldn't have summed it up better myself.  : )  Yeah, convulsing with laughter does become painful after awhile.  But it's a _lot_ of fun.

Emp: No one pays any attention to Gene.  They're too busy running rampant.  And of course Kirk can tell a communicator from a phaser, but not while running from Stella.  He forgets little things like _opening_ communicators too, y'know. : )  

Hanakin: Oh, he's _terrified_.

Keridwen: It is rather random, isn't it? Your reviews, and my story both.

Guru: Oh, are you planning to take over the world?  Funny, I have a couple friends (Megan and Meaghan) who are planning exactly the same thing.  Well anyway, thank you for your kind offer of a country.  If no one's got dibs I'll take Ireland.  Or Prince Edward Island.  I've never been to either, but they both sound very nice…

Contrarywise: Coherence is overrated.

I apologize profusely.  It's been awhile, hasn't it?  I've been busy with React, if you're not reading it you should be. : )  But, here we have another lovely chapter of Everyone Goes Nuts.  Seatbelts strongly advised.

Act III, Scene I

[On the _Enterprise_, Kirk comes rushing onto the bridge, and sits in the central chair.]

Kirk: [firm] Leave orbit.  Now.  Immediately.  If not sooner.

[Spock comes over from his science station.]

Spock: [calm] Captain.  I see you have returned from the surface.  While you were gone I rescued Dr. McCoy from the surface.  I have also compiled a list of the names of the crewmembers who beamed you down, and they are being firmly punished by their department heads.

Kirk: [frantic] Never mind that!  We've got get out of here!  Mr. Sulu!  Leave orbit!

Spock: [to Sulu] Belay that.  [to Kirk] We cannot leave orbit at this time.

Kirk: [devastated] What?

Spock: There has been a complication with the warp engines.  A cactus seems to have become lodged in the matter-antimatter chamber.  It is naturally a delicate process to remove it, and we cannot use engines while it is there.  Mr. Scott estimates several hours at least before he can get it out.

Kirk: [bleak] We're stuck.  I'm stuck.  And Stella's still after me.  I need protection!

[Kirk rushes off of the bridge.]

Slightly later:

[Kirk comes back onto the bridge, wearing golden armor, much like the type knights are traditionally shown wearing.  It squeaks badly.  He sits in the command chair and looks satisfied.  All the bridge crew, except Spock, try to avoid looking at him so as to prevent laughter.  After a few minutes the red alert sirens go off.]

Kirk: [alarmed] What's the problem?  Why are we at red alert?

Sulu: [looking at read-outs at his station] We have an intruder alert!  Stella has found a way to beam aboard and is terrorizing the crewmembers in the corridors.

Kirk: Intruder!  Stella!  I need better protection!

[Kirk rushes off again.  Spock follows after Kirk.  The bridge crew look at each other, unsure what to do.]

Act III, Scene II

[Sometime later, on the bridge.  Kirk is standing on his command chair.  He is standing because he cannot sit down.  In fact, he can't do anything.  He is now wrapped in a single sheet of metal.  He cannot move, see, hear, or talk.  He is therefore completely oblivious to everything around him.  He is happy though, because Stella cannot possibly reach him.  There is no sign of Spock.  The rest of the bridge crew is there (except Uhura).  They are sitting at their stations and shooting strange looks at Kirk.  

After a short time of this, the turbolift doors open, and Stella comes onto the bridge.  The bridge crew screams and runs for the second turbolift to escape.  Kirk is oblivious.  Stella notices the golden figure in Kirk's chair, and assumes correctly that it is Kirk.  She approaches.]

Stella: I've found you now, Sugar Plums!  You may think you're disguised under all that, but I know it's you.

[Kirk is oblivious.]

Stella: [romantic] Oh, honey bunny, isn't it wonderful being here on the bridge…_alone_…  You're always so busy rushing off back to your ship that we never have any time together…

[Kirk is still oblivious.]

Stella: Now though…we're alone…together.  Oh, Ducky Poo, can't you just feel the _ambiance_?  

[The tree house comes flying overhead, and knocks down half the bridge.]

Harry: Wrong button _again_.  [sticks head out window] Oh wow.  We just wrecked the bridge!  The _Enterprise_ sets must be connected too.

[Stella and Kirk were both knocked down when the tree house flew over.  Stella staggers to her feet, just as the tree house swings around and careens by again.  It knocks her and most of the rest of the bridge down.  Somehow it misses the blue fish, which is floating near Uhura's station, laughing very hard.]

Gene: [outraged] What have you done to my set?!!  Harry, _land_ that tree house!  _Now_!

Harry: What do you think I'm _trying_ to do-ooo…?

[The tree house crashes through another wall and goes soaring off towards the Sickbay set.  Stella chases after it.]

Stella: [furious] Harcourt Fenton Mudd!  How dare you ruin things just as Ducky Poo was becoming romantic!

[The bridge is in shambles.  All the walls have come down, and Dedum can be seen behind the science station.  Kirk's chair is overturned, and Kirk is lying amid the wreckage.  He is lying on his back (or possibly his face; it's difficult to tell) in the rubble, still _completely_ oblivious.]

Gene: [clutching his head again] Oh, what a show!  Look at this mess!  I'll write Harry out for this!  And this wreck is being filmed!  [desperate] There's got to be a fast way to hide this!  [trying to think] Okay, um, let it snow.

Technician: [confused] You want us to do what?

Gene: Snow!  We have the effects for snow!  Make it snow on the bridge and hide everything while we fix it!

Technician: Well, all right, you're the boss.

[Gentle snow starts falling on the ruin of the bridge.]

Gene: Faster!  I want a blizzard!

[A giant blanket of snow falls down in one big swoosh and covers the entire bridge, including Kirk, who—still—is oblivious.]

Act III, Scene III

[Some time later: The technical crew for the show are working to repair the bridge set.  Meanwhile, several red-shirts from the _Enterprise_ crew have arrived.  They are working to dig the bridge out from under the load of snow.  They have dug a path from the turbolift to the central chair, and are working to shovel out the area around the helm and navigation stations.  As they shovel, they uncover Kirk, who is still wrapped in his metal armor.]

Red-shirt6: [poking at Kirk with his shovel] Hey, look.  We found…something.

Red-shirt7: [dubious] I think it's a person…maybe?

[Red-shirt8 shoulders past them to look at Kirk.]

Red-shirt8: That's a person all right.  That's the Captain.  I heard about how he put armor on to protect himself from Stella.

Red-shirt7: Maybe we ought to wear something like that when we beam down.

Red-shirt6: That's not a bad idea.  It might help.  [considers]  Sometimes.

Red-shirt7: Let's pull some of the armor off him and ask where he got it.

[The red-shirts start pulling some of the armor off one end of Kirk.  They uncover his feet.  They move to the other end and pull some of that armor off, to reveal Kirk's head.]

Kirk: [surprised] Oh, hello.  Has it been snowing?

[The red-shirts help Kirk stand up.]

Red-shirt8: Harry flew through and wrecked the bridge, so Gene had it snow to hide the damage.

Kirk: Oh.  That…almost makes sense.  Is…_she_ still aboard?

Red-shirt6: You mean Stella, sir?

Kirk: [frowns (the armor prevents him from wincing)] Right.

Red-shirt7: No one's exactly sure.  Things are getting very muddled.  She hasn't beamed off or anything, but she might have run onto Dedum, or even to Iowa.  It's getting very strange.

Kirk: [desolate] She hasn't beamed off?  She might still be aboard?

Red-shirt7: It's possible.

Kirk: [fearful] I've got to get out of here!

[Kirk tries to flee, but can't move his legs inside the armor.  He falls over.]

Kirk: [lying face-down in the snow] Help.

[The red-shirts pick Kirk up again.]

Kirk: Help me get this stuff off.

[The red-shirts help Kirk pull off most of the armor.  Underneath, he is wearing his uniform, the shirt still ripped in places.  As soon as he can move his legs again, he flees, shedding bits of armor as he runs.  He disappears through where the turbolift door used to be (Harry knocked that down too).  The red-shirts watch him go, and then go back to shoveling.]

Slightly later: the technical crew has finished repairing the bridge.  Likewise, the red-shirts have shoveled out most of the snow.  Some snow is still lying in drifts against the stations, but the bridge is mostly clear.  The technicians are putting the last touches on the consoles.  In the distance, the tree house can be seen hurtling towards the bridge.]

Gene: Harry, don't you _dare_!

Harry: [inside the tree house; upset] This thing has a mind of it's own, Gene!

[The tree house plows through the bridge, destroying it once again.]

Gene: [resigned] More snow.

[A blanket of snow falls onto the bridge, covering the wreckage.  The technicians pull themselves out and start rebuilding.  The red-shirts dig themselves out and start shoveling again.]

Act III, Scene IV

[Kirk is rushing down a non-descript corridor on the _Enterprise_, trying to get away from Stella, who is not actually anywhere in sight.  But she's somewhere on the ship, so he's trying to escape.  He goes past an adjoining corridor.  Spock and McCoy are in that corridor, and they notice him going by.  They follow after him.]

McCoy: Hey Jim, wait a minute!

Kirk: [keeps moving] No time, Stella's still here, gotta get away. 

Spock: Captain, there is no indication that Stella is even in this section of the ship.

Kirk: She is.  _I_ am, so _she's_ bound to be.

McCoy: This is all part of your stellaphobia.

Kirk: You bet.

McCoy: But you've got to try to control it!  You were making such wonderful progress before we came back.

[Kirk finally stops walking and turns to face them.]

Kirk: Control.  Right.  Okay, Bones.  I'll try.

[Stella comes rushing out of another corridor and sees Kirk.]

Stella: Sweetie cakes!

Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!

[Kirk flees down the corridor, with Stella in hot pursuit.]

Stella: Wait, sugar blossom!

McCoy: So much for control.

[McCoy and Spock follow Stella and Kirk down the corridor.  After a few minutes, they come to the end of the corridor, only to find themselves in the capitol city of Dedum.  (The sets, of course, connect.)  Kirk keeps running, oblivious to his surroundings, and Stella follows.  Spock and McCoy, though, stop and look around.  The city is in ruins.  Harry has knocked over more buildings, but that isn't enough to account for all the wreckage.  The reason for much of the damage becomes apparent when a giant green four-legged monster lumbers into view.]

McCoy: [shocked] What is that thing?!

Spock: [philosophical] Yet another life form we haven't encountered before.  There never seems to be an end to them.

[McCoy stops a fleeing native who is running past.]

McCoy: Hey you!  What is that monster?

Native7: Ooga-ooga!

McCoy: [blinks] Uh, sorry, I guess the universal translator isn't work—

Native7: [points at monster] No!  _That_ is Ooga-ooga!  The Great Goddess Stella Mudd's bridesmaid!

McCoy: [taken aback] That's a bridesmaid?

Native7: Ooga-ooga was being guarded by the Punk Klingons, but they have abandoned their posts and the bridesmaid has escaped to rend and destroy!  I must flee to the countryside where my fellows have gone!

[Native7 runs off.  McCoy and Spock continue watching Ooga-ooga as she destroys more buildings.]

McCoy: [eyeing Ooga-ooga uneasily] Fleeing to the countryside might be a good idea…

Spock: But first we must locate the Captain.

McCoy: That's right.  Jim.  I forgot about him.  We better find him and get out of here.

[Before they can start, Harry and the tree house come flying over.

Gene: Not again!  Harry!

Harry: [panicked] This thing is completely out of my control…!

[The tree house knocks more sets down.  The Mess Hall of the _Enterprise_ is plainly visible behind the ruins of Stella's palace.  The tree house soars off into the distance again.]

Gene: Snow!  More snow!

[A thick blanket of snow falls over Dedum.  This does not halt Ooga-ooga's rampage.]

McCoy: [looking around] We better find Jim and get out of here _fast_.

[Spock and McCoy set out to look for Kirk.  They do not notice the large blue fish following them.]

Narrator: Unbelievable!  What will happen next?  More falling sets?  More screaming?  A return to Iowa?  An explanation for the strange blue fish?  All of the above?  Whatever happens, don't miss the next exciting installment!!

I expect it to be the concluding installment too…and I have every intention of going out with a bang…literally.  Heeheehee…


	6. Everyone Goes Thoroughly Nuts

Disclaimer: We've been over this so many times.  I still don't own Star Trek.  If I ever did own Star Trek, you'd know about it.

Silverfang: Don't worry, things will finally settle out.  For example…ah, but that would be telling, wouldn't it?  Just read on.

Emp: Yeah, poor Gene.  And Kirk.  They'll both live though, I promise.

Tricksy Hobbitses: I get the feeling you enjoyed this.  Yes, yes, poor, poor Gene.  
  


Here we are…the lights dim, the curtain rises.  The concluding installment of Everyone Goes Nuts.  Theater seats specially equipped with seatbelts.

Act III, Scene V

Narrator: Spock and McCoy finally catch up to Kirk in Iowa.  Yes, Iowa.  Specifically, River—

Gene: We already heard it!

Narrator: [disgruntled] All right, all right.  Anyway…Kirk has successfully managed to lose Stella in the forests of Dedum, just as Stella has successfully managed to lose herself.  Simply put, Stella is lost in the forest, while Kirk flees frantically through the farm country, Spock and McCoy in pursuit.

McCoy: [winded] Jim…wait!  Stella's…long gone!

Kirk: Aaaaahhh!

Spock: The Captain does not seem to be responding to the urges of logic or common sense.

McCoy: If you mean he…panicked and isn't…thinking straight I'd have to…agree.

[Kirk runs into the white farmhouse, Spock and McCoy just behind him.  Inside, Uhura is sitting in the living room.  Kirk dashes for the stairs.]

Kirk: [to Uhura] Hi, Mom.  Bye, Mom.

[Kirk disappears upstairs.]

McCoy: What are you doing here, Uhura… [stops; perplexed] Did he just call you 'Mom?'

Uhura: The actress who normally plays the Captain's mother called in sick, so I'm subbing.

McCoy: Oh.  Well, okay…Mrs. Kirk. [starts to laugh] Sorry…Mrs. Kirk.  [laughs harder]

Spock: Doctor, this is not the time.

McCoy: Right…right.  We need to talk to Jim.  Mind if we go upstairs…Mrs. Kirk?  [starts to laugh again]

Uhura: [shrugs] What do I care?  Not my house.

[Spock and McCoy go upstairs.  After a bit of searching, they locate Kirk in the guest bedroom, hiding under the bed.  McCoy crouches down by the bed to talk to him, while Spock stands at the door.]    

McCoy: Jim?  You under there?

Kirk: No.  No, I am not here.  I am on Quo'nos.  When Stella comes, tell her I am waiting for her on Quo'nos.  Better yet, tell her I am waiting for her in the Delta Quadrant.

McCoy: [frowns] Quo'nos is the Klingon home world, and even at maximum warp it would take a century to get to the Delta Quadrant.

Kirk: Exactly.

McCoy: Jim, you've got to face up to your fear of Stella!

Kirk: I do not.  Not when there's beds to hide under.

[McCoy continues trying to reason with Kirk.  Spock, meanwhile, finally notices the blue fish, floating in a corner.  When the fish sees that Spock is looking at him, he winks out of sight and reappears in the room behind Spock.  Spock turns and addresses him.]

Spock: Are you an intelligent life form, and if so, why are you here?

Fish: [amused] Now that's what I call one heck of a first contact line!

Spock: You speak English.  This indicates that you are intelligent.

Fish: You better believe it!

Spock: [blinks] Why?

Fish: [perplexed] Why what?

Spock: Why is it necessary for me to believe that you are intelligent?  Such a belief would facilitate communication, but there is no discernible reason why it is absolutely necessary for me to believe that you are intelligent.

Fish: [starts laughing] Oh, man.  I've got to come to this time more often.  'Why?'  [continues laughing] You should meet this guy I know named Data.

Spock: Since we have established your intelligence, would you please identify yourself and your race?

Fish: [nods (I'm not sure fish have necks, but he nods anyway)] Very reasonable question.  Very reasonable indeed.  I am Q.  Of the Q Continuum.  I am capable of doing anything I want, including taking on any form.  At the moment you see me as a blue fish.

Spock: Fascinating.  Does your admission that you are capable of doing anything indicate that you are responsible for the more unusual events of the last day?

Q: No, actually.  I could've if I wanted to, of course, but you people are plenty interesting on your own.  [laughs again] I really have to remember to come here more often.  The things Jean Luc would say!

Spock: You find us interesting?

Q: Well sure.  Why do you think I'm here?  I'm bored.  And all this running and screaming is decidedly amusing.

Spock: I must report this contact to the Federation.  We have never encountered a life form at all like you.

Q: Oh, but I don't want you to report me.  I'm having a great time just like this.  And besides, Starfleet can worry about me in ninety years.

Spock: It is my duty to report contact.

Q: I'd rather you didn't.  It would be simple to make you forget the whole thing, but that's rather dull.  Instead…

[There is a blinding flash.  When it fades, there is no visible change.]

Q: Well, there we are.

Spock: [blinks] This is not logical.

Q: Of course not.

[The fish blinks out of sight.  Spock returns to McCoy and Kirk, who has finally been coaxed out from under the bed.  Neither of them noticed the exchange with the fish.]

McCoy: [to Kirk] Now just remember, Stella is lost somewhere in the forest.  She is nowhere near.  There is no cause for alarm.

Kirk: [nervous] Right.  I am calm.  I am calm.  I am in control.

[There is the sound of footsteps on the stairs.]

McCoy: That you, Uhura?  I mean, Mrs. Kirk?

Stella: [coming up the stairs] I certainly ain't his mother!  Where is my little kumquat?!

Kirk: [panicked] Aaaaaaahhh!

[Kirk dives out the nearest window.]

McCoy: So much for calm.

[Stella runs into the room.]

Stella: Dovepie, wait!

[Stella jumps out the window as well.]

Spock: This is not logical.

McCoy: You can say that again.

Spock: This is not logical.

[McCoy looks at him strangely.]

McCoy: Right.  We better follow Jim.  But let's take the stairs.

[They start to head for the stairs when Harry's voice is heard in the distance.]

Harry: [panicked] Oh no, not again!

[The tree house plows through the farmhouse.  When the dust settles, the entire Iowa set has collapsed.  The wreckage of the Dedum set is visible to the left, and beyond it the partially rebuilt _Enterprise_ sets.  To the right we can see what appears to be the rocky surface of an alien planet, with a green sky.  Q, still in the guise of a blue fish, is laughing uproariously.]

Gene: [near hysterical] More snow!  More snow!

[A huge mound of snow falls onto the ruins of the Iowa set.  Spock and McCoy pull themselves out of the mess.]

Spock: This is not logical.

McCoy: This is no time to be talking about logic!  Our entire galaxy is literally collapsing around us!

[Things become very confused.  Dedum natives, _Enterprise_ crewmembers, Iowa farmers and Star Trek technician crews move freely through the adjoined sets.  Actually, 'move freely' is incorrect.  Run wildly is closer.  Stella continues chasing the terrified Kirk, who is running in circles and screaming.  Ooga-ooga continues her rampaging.  Harry careens around in the tree house and knocks more walls down.  Q is nearly falling out of the sky laughing.]

Kirk: Aaaaaahhh!

Stella: Pumpkin!

Spock: This is not logical.

Harry: Oh no oh no oh no!

[Crash.]

Gene: Snow!  More snow!

Technician: We're out of snow, Gene!

Scotty: What 'ave ye done to me ship?!

Q: If Jean Luc could see this!  [continues laughing]

McCoy: Has everyone gone nuts?!

[Harry plows into more sets.  When the dust settles, it becomes apparent that we are in a Hollywood filming lot.  There are a large number of people with scripts, cameras, etc.  Several writers are sitting at a table frantically trying to type an ending for the show, as it has gone badly off course.  Kirk flees from the whole wreck, only to find himself in a western.]

Kirk: [looking around] How did I get to the O.K. Corral?

Director: [angry] You in the space suit!  What are you trying to do, ruin my shot?!

Kirk: [frazzled] Sorry, I just…Stella…Ooga-ooga…Harry…sets…Gene…fish…

Cowboy: I think the transporter scrambled his brains.

[The tree house plows through and scatters the western set in every direction.]

Harry: [hysterical] Somebody stop this thing!

[Stella, losing sight of Kirk, chases after the writers, who scatter.]

Writer1: Talk about having your characters come to life!

Writer2: [fleeing Stella] This is a little too lifelike!

Stella: Wait, my little gardenias!

Spock: This is not logical.

[Ooga-ooga storms through the nearby studio cafeteria.  Various other actors carrying food flee.]

UC1: After her, men!  We must stop this rampaging monster!

UC2: Count me out!  I'm in red!

[Several of the _Enterprise_ crewmembers chase after Ooga-ooga with phasers. Q keeps laughing.  Gene is running in every direction at once, trying to regain control.]

Gene: [frantic] Stop!  Stop, stop, _stop_!

[There is no response.  Everyone continues running amok.]

Gene: [enraged] As the creator of this show_, I said STOP_!

[Everything stops.  Ooga-ooga grinds to a halt, and it is suddenly apparent that she is nothing but a robot, and not even a very good one.  The phasers cease working, as do all other technology.  Harry and the tree house land abruptly, and do not appear to have the capability to ever fly.  The scattering of snow that still lies on the ground turns out to be confetti.  Only the characters stay the same, while everything else is revealed to be props and special effects.  Q alone is completely unaffected.  The characters slowly pull themselves out of the wreckage and come over by Gene.]

Gene: [furious] All right, this has been quite enough.  _Never_ have I seen a show go so badly off course!  That wasn't _Star Trek_, that was an hour of barely contained insanity.  Make that not even contained!  [to Harry] As for you, don't be surprised if you're entirely written out!

Harry: Aw, Gene…

Gene: [ignoring Harry; to Kirk] And _you_ can expect every bed in this place to be removed by tomorrow!

Kirk: I'm sorry, Gene, but…

Gene: [to Q] And you!  I don't know who you are or where you came from, but whatever you did to Spock, _fix it_!

Q: [gracious] Certainly.

[There is a flash.]

Spock: This is not logic… [blinks; looks around] We are not in Iowa anymore.

Gene: We most definitely aren't in Iowa.  And further, we aren't in _Star Trek_ either.  I'm ending this show right here and now.  It is hereby stricken from the official records.  You got that?  None of this happened!  No one saw this show!

[Gene turns and looks directly toward the viewers.  He speaks to someone not visible.]

Gene: And you, with the camera!  Quit filming!

[There is a click and everything goes black…] 

That's all, folks!  Hope you had fun, I know I did.  : )  Soon as I get another one ready for posting, you'll be the first to know.

Leave a review as you leave please, thank you.


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